Entry 14: Outgrowing The Past

Prompt: Reflect on a version of yourself that once fit like a glove — maybe a mindset, a habit, a dream, or a way you showed up in relationships — and explore why you eventually had to let her go. What did she teach you? What did it feel like to outgrow her? What are you reaching for now?

In another season, I was Winter — numbing, freezing, absent of emotion, frigid. 

Entering into my 20s, I started feeling like Fall — warmer, but still cool. Less numb, more expressive with emotions shaded in reds, oranges, yellows, and browns. 

For the longest time, I’ve always been on the lookout— think of a spy always on a mission or a criminal on the run. 

But hypervigilance is exhausting. 

Keeping people at a distance so they never get the chance to hurt you can be alienating.

Carrying my protective armor was a burden.

It’s not wrong to protect myself. And it’s not wrong to want to avoid danger. 

But I’m outgrowing the part of me that felt like I had to have everyone who walked into my life vetted like they were being interviewed for a job at the CIA.

I’m outgrowing the thought that people aren’t worth the trouble — you know the complicated, the messy, the confusion, and the doubts, because those also come with the connections, and the joys, and the laughters we all crave. 

Part of me kept people away for protection. Another part of me might’ve felt like I wasn’t worth knowing in the first place. 

Over the years, I’ve seen myself slowly shedding myself of the armor I’ve carried for years. I’ve dropped the scrutiny — most days — and I try to contribute to conversations, so that it’s more like a seesaw than a monologue. 

I’m reminding myself of all the reasons why I am worth knowing and the value I bring to relationships. 

I’m letting myself feel the good and the bad because, as my therapist shared, you can’t have the light without the dark.

And that pretty much summed up most of my teens — trying hard to shut out the dark and not realizing I was trapping the light with it and unknowingly trapping myself in an abyss of frustration.

This Fall-like season has more light, more color, more people, and more warmth. The coldness that I wore like protective suits of armor is thawing. 

Is it gone completely? 

No. 

When is anything ever that easy?

But I do see changes that I’m proud of: the 12 am conversations I’ll have with my best friend, the silly photos I have on my phone, the tears I’ll let fall without rushing to wipe it away, engaging in conversations without suspicion, pushing myself with love to allow myself to meet new people, offering hugs to those who look like they need it, initiating simple touch to emphasize my presence, and the moments I create to build strong ties and connections with those I love.

I couldn’t do those things when it was Winter, but in the Fall, I’m learning to little by little, and I’m smiling more because of it. 

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Note: Lessons from My 20s is A reflective series by Black Bonnet Girls. Lessons from My 20s is a journal-style series capturing the unfiltered truths, tender moments, and tiny awakenings that come with growing up and growing into yourself.  These entries are for anyone who’s ever felt stuck between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming. For the overthinkers, the late bloomers, the quiet dreamers, and the loud feelers. Through storytelling, reflection, and honesty, I hope this space becomes a soft landing—for me and for you.