| Michelle, 24|
Death was always a possibility. The moment Leo told me about his leukemia, it was the first thing that came to my mind. You'd be crazy not to think about it. And then the feelings of panic, sadness, anger, and desperation followed along with the gushing blobs of tears. Within each teardrop were the dreams we talked about slipping away.
But, I hoped for the best and channeled the most optimistic parts of myself to rise to the surface of my soul and be some solace during his time of darkness. At least that's what K.C recommended. She was the one I went to. She always knew what to say and how to say it. A'ja was consumed with her own grief to help me navigate the unknown,
But now he's gone.
People keep telling me that when someone you love dies, you see them in everything: from the worn-out wristwatches, the soles of their favorite shoes to the toothbrush with the worn bristles or even in the empty seat at the dinner table or in the car.
For me, I saw Leo in the colors of the rainbow — every shade, hue, and tone shown in the mood boards, the palettes, and the swatches I stared at each day were connected to him.
With red, I saw the color of his first car, a used 2003 Toyota with ripped leather seats but an engine that purred smoother than a kitten. To this day, l still remember the look on his face when his sister shared that red cars were more likely to get pulled over by the cops. It didn't take long for him to realize the truth of her words. Red was also for the baskets of strawberries we picked during our first official date. We had two dates before that, both of which were disasters we claimed didn't count. Our families ate strawberry cobblers, tiramisu, and shortcakes and drank smoothies, milkshakes, and margaritas for at least a week.
Orange was for the spotted tabby cat named Ginger who used to follow him home his entire freshmen year. By the time he was a sophomore, he had worn his parents down and convinced them they needed a pet to complete their large family. As if she knew he had vouched for her, she barely left his side when he got home. If she wasn't sleeping with his twin, she was nestled above his head, against the headboard. It was also the color of Wally, the stuffed fox he won for me playing ring toss at the County Fair. And that's also when I started putting a name to the butterflies in my stomach.
Yellow was for the sun beating our backs on afternoon runs around Sunset Park. It was for the salty fries we ate at Peaches, always drenched in ketchup or dipped in a creamy vanilla milkshake. And it was for all the different Waffle Houses we ate at every other week to see which one had the best omelets or bacon or pie. Ultimately, the Waffle House on the corner of Elm and across from the movie theater won by a landslide. No one could touch Ms. V's cooking.
Green was for his favorite color, as well as the apple-flavored airheads he loved. It's the mint ice cream we devoured on summer nights while counting shooting stars. It was the color of his favorite basketball team, his favorite pair of sneakers, and some of his favorite foods. I was a lover of all colors of the rainbow, but now green had a special shelf in my heart.
Blue was for the color of his high school soccer jersey. Leo was athletic, but he was no athlete at heart. He only joined because of Leroy. And when they both made the team, he stuck around for a year to support his younger brother. Becuase they had amazing friends like us, we were at every game cheering them on and treating them to Wawa milkshakes — we were young and on a budget.
Purple was for the matching beaded necklace he and his siblings got during their annual family vacation. In between each bead was the letter of their first names. He never left home without it. I can't remember a time I saw him without it. He was buried with it on. It was a piece of him that didn't feel right keeping. It was also for the sterling silver pendant with amethyst that rested below my collarbone.
White was for the handcrafted engagement ring I never got, the ballgown wedding dress I never wore, and the name I never took.
White was for his absence in my life.
See Michelle's Mood Board here. What is something that sticks out to you?