Entry 16: Secrets Hurt - Pandora’s Box

Prompt: Write about a moment, season, or truth you believed you had braced yourself for—because you saw it, studied it, maybe even feared it—but when it finally arrived, it cracked you open in unexpected ways. What did your preparation miss? What did the experience teach that observation never could? And who did you begin to become on the other side of it?

I’ve often heard that anxiety is the price you pay for not being prepared. Naturally, to minimize my Anxiety, I make it a mission to always be prepared. I spent hours creating scenarios in my mind to ensure I’m prepared for both the expected and unexpected.

Unveiling secrets that aren’t your own, but that affect you, isn’t really something you can prepare for or brace for, even when your heart hints that there’s more than what meets the eye.

I’ve always trusted my mind more than my heart — and that’s probably why I didn’t see it coming. My mind focused on the logic. It didn’t feel like the pieces fit, but my heart knew. 

And when the secret was unearthed and the truth was out, I finally understood what it meant to feel sucker punched. 

To be speechless. 

To be at a loss for words. 

To suddenly feel like you don’t have it in you to breathe — although you were doing it seconds ago. 

Clearly, I’m not ready to dive deep, but that season taught me the weight, depth, and breadth of a secret. The longer it’s buried, the harder it hits when brought to light.

I wasn’t ready. It felt like someone had pulled the rug from underneath my feet, and now I was stuck lying on the floor in all sorts of pain.

Unable to go numb as I usually would.

Unable to access the logic that’d usually keep me safe.

Unable to process anything but pain. 

And that’s when I saw the dark side of being on the other end of a secret. 

That’s when I learned I didn’t like it.

That’s when I learned I wasn’t immune to being hurt by it. 

That’s when I learned I didn’t want to be protected by it. 

And you know the funny thing is, my heart knew, but my mind shut it down. Called it crazy? Told it to prove it. 

And it did. 

I asked to unbury the secret — to open Pandora’s bo,x thinking I was ready for what would come, for what I’d hear, and what I’d learn. I’ve seen movies where life-altering secrets are shared. 

You cry. You eat ice cream. You sigh and complain, and then you get over it. 

Lies.

The crying never stops, even when the tears stop flowing. Tissues and soaked pillows become your best friends, drying up the water until you don’t have any left. 

The words that were once safe, now tainted by the secret, make you wince or your brows furrow, or your heart miss a beat once uttered. Protection? More like betrayal. Sorry? More like you were caught red-handed. I didn’t know? More like you didn’t want to see. 

The mind wants to forget, but it can’t stop replaying how you could’ve missed it, how could you not have seen it?  The heart stands against the concrete wall with both arms crossed, muttering I told you so with disappointment it tried to warn you of. 

The foundation, once firm, now has a noticeable crack. With each tremor or shake, it expands. 

And the emotions? I thought I’d be calm, connected,and mature. Those are practically synonymous with my name.

When I opened Pandora’s box, the emotions I’ve long kept caged and shackled out of so-called protection broke free. They wreaked havoc within my body and mind — infecting even the blood within my veins. 

Anger roared at being blind sided — How could you think I deserve this?

Sadness cried at the betrayal it didn’t see coming from the person we trusted the most — how could you?

Fear panicked at the loss of the safety we had once felt, and now invisible walls were closing in— Will we ever feel safe again?

I was all of them all at once, and they refused to return to captivity. 

They would be seen. They would be felt. They wouldn’t be ignored. 

When you observe, you can ignore certain variables and focus on the ones that are safe.

You don’t feel. 

You don’t have. 

Only experience can do that. 

Cause you don’t get to choose. 

 I wasn’t prepared to experience what was inside the box — no matter how many simulations or scenarios my brain had processed. 

My heart wasn’t part of the equation, so it was an experiment doomed to fail from the start. To some extent, I was preparing by looking at the outside in. 

When I was experiencing it, I was in the back seat with my seatbelt strapped in. I was fully within the thick of it all, trapped by emotions I thought I could escape — I couldn’t. They were now driving us forward without a destination in mind. 

Preparation and observation are about control; experiencing and feeling require a lack of control. 

Almost a year later, where am I? 

Like a tidal wave, my emotions knocked me down and I’m still trying to stand again on the shore that once felt safe. 

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Note: Lessons from My 20s is A reflective series by Black Bonnet Girls. Lessons from My 20s is a journal-style series capturing the unfiltered truths, tender moments, and tiny awakenings that come with growing up and growing into yourself.  These entries are for anyone who’s ever felt stuck between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming. For the overthinkers, the late bloomers, the quiet dreamers, and the loud feelers. Through storytelling, reflection, and honesty, I hope this space becomes a soft landing—for me and for you.

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Note: Lessons from My 20s is A reflective series by Black Bonnet Girls. Lessons from My 20s is a journal-style series capturing the unfiltered truths, tender moments, and tiny awakenings that come with growing up and growing into yourself.  These entries are for anyone who’s ever felt stuck between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming. For the overthinkers, the late bloomers, the quiet dreamers, and the loud feelers. Through storytelling, reflection, and honesty, I hope this space becomes a soft landing—for me and for you.